Today I found out that in 4 months my tribunal case will be heard.
That’ll be 21 months after the fact.
Finally. A finish line in sight. Somewhere to head towards and albeit at a leisurely pace, it’s there, it’s final, it’s achievable.
Weights have been lifted recently. Opportunities have been provided and the future is looking ever more positive.
There are still areas of my life I am not happy with, people I wish I was with and scenarios that will have forever changed the lanes of destiny.
I’ve been waiting for months
Waiting for years
Waiting for you to change
But there ain’t much that’s dumber
Than pinning your hopes on a change in another
And I still need you, but what good’s that gonna do?
Needing is one thing and getting is another
So I’ve been sitting around
Wasting my time
Wondering what you’ve been doing
It ain’t real forgiving
Sitting here picturing someone else living
I’ve been hoping for months
Hoping for years
Hoping I might forget
But it don’t get much dumber
Than trying to forget a girl when you love her
I still need you, but what good’s that gonna do?
Needing is one thing and getting is another
When?
Why not now?
Why not me?
The pain crawling along my gut and stretching emotional muscles just keeps getting stronger.
Other instances of fear amount to nothing when it’s this much of a heartache.
Love is what. What is it. Is it affection for another person? Is it the desire to not be alone?
How do we truly know love? Love’s a tricky daemon as it yields many different catalysts.
Cat. Jesus. Even typing her name makes my face sink with sadness.
There will be no one else for a long time, if ever. I say that without drama and without self sacrificial posturing.
It’s a choice born of what I think to be my manifestation of love. Why can’t doing something good be enough?
Why isn’t being nice, “love”?
Maybe it is. Maybe it’s a fool’s gold. Perhaps love doesn’t exist but it’s just fear of loneliness.
But have you ever felt so sure about someone that nothing else in the entire world or universe mattered?
Is that love? Is it exaggeration of a feeling of connectedness in this vast space we inhabit.
What stops us from hurting and feeling this pain? Many take the easy way out… The final way out.
But surely the hardest thing to do is often the right thing. If it’s too easy then you’re not getting anything back. There’s no friction or burn. There’s no energy.
Things have to be hard to work properly. We all want an easy life, but why? Easy means the norm, what we were told as kids to expect, the completion of an age old human process that has thankfully shifted over time.
Memories and beautiful feelings swim around in our minds. We are what we have been and we don’t know what we can be or what we will be.
Choices that you make in life will be hard or easy. We have to decide which is the appropriate choice to make at that moment in time. If we can’t do that then we’re lost to the sands…
the diary of a filtered heart. 