A flurry of words fall from the lips as we talked through the night.
A wandering mess home only to come out and talk more.
Such a lack of self esteem that cascades nothing more than pain.
I won’t apologise for being who I am and if I have hurt you, it was not intentional.
You will carry on being the people you choose to be.
Much like myself, I will follow suit and be who I am.
Thank you all for the words and your ears.
May they continue for many, many years.
My soul is troubled by the over-oppressive views of this world we inhabit.
It shifts and courses through my body like a horrid serpent trying to escape.
There’s no value in the things we’ve exploited and the borrowing of others and their ears or minds.
Ultimately there is hope for good. A good that expands and explores niches we’ve so far forgotten.
Questions are asked all to easily. Lives intertwine all too simply and there’s nothing but words.
Please, in words that haven’t been written before; value yourself, big up that soul you have, farm your love.
Cancer Mountain / Rockette 7″ Double A-side release.
Our baby.
6 weeks until tribunal now. Still no word from their solicitors, the tribunal or my solicitor.
No news is good news? Will it be going ahead… Speculation, doesn’t get you anywhere.
I haven’t fallen out of love. Still hurts and although life trundles on, it still, hurts.
I don’t even know what to write about it all.
Today I found out that in 4 months my tribunal case will be heard.
That’ll be 21 months after the fact.
Finally. A finish line in sight. Somewhere to head towards and albeit at a leisurely pace, it’s there, it’s final, it’s achievable.
Weights have been lifted recently. Opportunities have been provided and the future is looking ever more positive.
There are still areas of my life I am not happy with, people I wish I was with and scenarios that will have forever changed the lanes of destiny.
I’ve been waiting for months
Waiting for years
Waiting for you to change
But there ain’t much that’s dumber
Than pinning your hopes on a change in another
And I still need you, but what good’s that gonna do?
Needing is one thing and getting is another
So I’ve been sitting around
Wasting my time
Wondering what you’ve been doing
It ain’t real forgiving
Sitting here picturing someone else living
I’ve been hoping for months
Hoping for years
Hoping I might forget
But it don’t get much dumber
Than trying to forget a girl when you love her
I still need you, but what good’s that gonna do?
Needing is one thing and getting is another
When?
Why not now?
Why not me?
The pain crawling along my gut and stretching emotional muscles just keeps getting stronger.
Other instances of fear amount to nothing when it’s this much of a heartache.
Love is what. What is it. Is it affection for another person? Is it the desire to not be alone?
How do we truly know love? Love’s a tricky daemon as it yields many different catalysts.
Cat. Jesus. Even typing her name makes my face sink with sadness.
There will be no one else for a long time, if ever. I say that without drama and without self sacrificial posturing.
It’s a choice born of what I think to be my manifestation of love. Why can’t doing something good be enough?
Why isn’t being nice, “love”?
Maybe it is. Maybe it’s a fool’s gold. Perhaps love doesn’t exist but it’s just fear of loneliness.
But have you ever felt so sure about someone that nothing else in the entire world or universe mattered?
Is that love? Is it exaggeration of a feeling of connectedness in this vast space we inhabit.
What stops us from hurting and feeling this pain? Many take the easy way out… The final way out.
But surely the hardest thing to do is often the right thing. If it’s too easy then you’re not getting anything back. There’s no friction or burn. There’s no energy.
Things have to be hard to work properly. We all want an easy life, but why? Easy means the norm, what we were told as kids to expect, the completion of an age old human process that has thankfully shifted over time.
Memories and beautiful feelings swim around in our minds. We are what we have been and we don’t know what we can be or what we will be.
Choices that you make in life will be hard or easy. We have to decide which is the appropriate choice to make at that moment in time. If we can’t do that then we’re lost to the sands…
It’s been an interesting year. Loss of a job. Gained a girlfriend. Split up with said girlfriend. A tribunal postponed three times. Several gadgets bought. Some music made and some times I can’t remember due to severe intoxication.
Either way 2012 will be something of a surprise year. Tribunal should hopefully be heard and with the evidence we have should be won too.
Writing in a short story competition.
Maybe my ex and I will get back together. Maybe we won’t. Maybe we’ll just be friends eventually.
New gadgets might be bought.
A holiday may be taken.
Debts may be cleared.
It all depends on one thing.
2012 could be a very good year, a mediocre year or a year that hasn’t gone to ‘plan’.
I hope your new year goes to ‘plan’ and that you are happy with the surprises life will throw at you.
But remember; we can decide on the majority of which paths to choose and therefore, what surprises we may receive.
So go and take control of your life ladies and gents. Take control.
the diary of a filtered heart. 